• "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
• "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."
• "Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."                               ~Some quotes from CS Lewis

"I will place no value on anything I have or may possess except in relation to the kingdom of Christ."     ~A quote by David Livingstone

During a conversation once I was told by an employee that I have learned how to learn from my experiences, both successes and failures. I long to find that person again. I wish I could find that person that could give up everything and just go. I want to just go. For some reason unknown to me I'm stuck here. I don't quite know what is in store for me and am having difficulty not knowing. I was explaining to a co worker that at the age of 20 I have been to almost every state in the US, what he didn't know what that my heart is still not satistified. This week I had people at the hotel from everywhere, Saudi, Germany, Korea, etc. I found myself getting so frustrated because they couldn't understand me and "they" were interferring with my job. WHAT ? How am I ever going to be able to pick up and go when I can't even "deal" with a few people today? I need Jesus. Jesus would show me how to love them. The problem is that I've seem to have lost the fight to love him. Without him I will not love them. I finding that I am a failure and that I am weak. That's ok because I'm reminded that HE is made perfect through our weakness. I want him to move me, I'm sick of trying to move myself. I'm stick of me.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO ADJUST TO CHANGE THAT YOU DIDN'T EXPECT???

How do you find a job when what you want to be doing isn't possible? How do you settle and be happy about it. Read the quote at the top of the page... My Job that I "never" had to work was being a part of MT. My family keeps on telling me that a job is just a job and I should just go get one. BUT when I just worked my butt off for the whole fall tour and it still didn't fell like I did anything because the work MEANT something, how do you just go get a job? For the last year and a half my 9-5 job as an intern and my CRAZY 44-46 hour weekend was ALL worth it since it changed others lives.

How do you socialize when you know NO ONE? My close friends from high school moved to other stated for college. I know a few people here but they have their own new friends and lives. The people I really want to be with are not here.

Bottom line; LIFE outside of Teen Mania is very different then I EVER expected! I'm trying to deal and adjust but it's much harder done then said.

Anybody reading this I LOVE YOU much more then I may ever be able to tell you or express. I want to take this time and let you know that I never want to take our relationship for granted.

Currently Listening A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay God put a smile on my face see related

What happened to me? I feel like I've stepped of the black MT bus back 2 years in time. Half of the time I miss my team so much that I feel not me but the other half when I'm actually "here" I feel like I never left. I have all of the same friends, same relationships drama, same sports. I don't know if I really can explain it but I feel like I'm back 2 years in time but I'm not. I know things have changed I lived them and saw them but everyone around me hasn't changed to much. My church is still the same 10 kids as when I left, the same problems I had before I left popped back out. I feel like I went STATES away for a year and a half for almost nothing!

I want to lock myself up in my room and never come out. Cause there I don't have to feel sad about sleeping in and going to a Lacrosse game on friday instead of working in a venue. In my room I don't have to deal with the drama issues that my friends have. There in my room I don't have to get a job and car and embrace society. In my room I still feel like I'm home for vacation not for real... 

What happened to me? I feel like I've stepped of the black MT bus back 2 years in time. Half of the time I miss my team so much that I feel not me but the other half when I'm actually "here" I feel like I never left. I have all of the same friends, same relationships drama, same sports. I don't know if I really can explain it but I feel like I'm back 2 years in time but I'm not. I know things have changed I lived them and saw them but everyone around me hasn't changed to much. My church is still the same 10 kids as when I left, the same problems I had before I left popped back out. I feel like I went STATES away for a year and a half for almost nothing!

I want to lock myself up in my room and never come out. Cause there I don't have to feel sad about sleeping in and going to a Lacrosse game on friday instead of working in a venue. In my room I don't have to deal with the drama issues that my friends have. There in my room I don't have to get a job and car and embrace society. In my room I still feel like I'm home for vacation not for real... 

I can't even begin to express how I feel right now...the last 5 days have been the hardest so far. Everyone that would call my family is in San Fran, and I'm not. When I type it it seems so simple... I'm just not there. Except my heart is COMPLETELY there and my body's not. Coming to the HARSH reality of life. Not really understanding it.

I can't tell you how many times a day I think about the fact that I do not belong here. It's obvious in the way my heart is responding. Yet there is no other way it seems. Hate the time at night when all I hear is quite knowing that if I where with you guys there would be NONE. For the last month there has been no random stops at gas stations, guys puking on the bus, the underworld, the back bench where I spent hours at a time taking to 2 wonderful people.

Why when I FINALLY appreciate and love being on the road is it taken from me? It's very hard to see a future right now... wondering how there can be a future. I miss you friends... more than you may understand.

There's somethings going on with my family right now which possibly could be why this is happening. That doesn't make it any easier.  A decision needs to be made and communicated... one of which my heart is breaks everytime I think it.

I feel very lonely right now and crying since in 20 min. something I looked forward to for years is about to start and I'm not there. Still not quite understanding why?